Mothering with COVID

So it happened, COVID found me hiding in my home, actually it found my whole family, one after the other. I’m going to leave the conversation about COVID for another time and instead make space to share my experience of mothering with COVID and mothering a child who had it too. It is suffice to say the past few weeks have been incredibly challenging. An experience that pushed me over the edge, had me in tears, I felt burnout, I was in complete overwhelm, felt a whirlwind of emotions such as loneliness, frustration and despair. I wanted to scream and just say why me? Why can’t I find just a tiny space of time for myself? Why am I always giving parts of me up? All my senses were on high alert, I felt I was going to explode.  I’m sure I’ve felt these feelings before, a moment, a season in my mothering, but this was different. And here I am now on the other side of it all, in a different season of mothering, just like that until its time to turn in again.

While I was in the thick of COVID I caught myself tangled between old and new stories. One of these stories was about me being worthy of rest; regardless of how rotten I feel when I’m poorly, I battle with giving myself permission to lie down and say  ‘I’m done, I can’t do this right now, I need to rest’. I discerned how these stories were wrapped up in anger and made me question what I had been taught to believe about rest and me being worthy of it.

No matter how tired I was, I wouldn’t let myself have a lie down, I’d fight with self to dig deeper and find that last ounce of strength to push through. I was so tough on myself on that fact that my son’s dinner didn’t LOOK healthy enough whereas for myself, dinner was a cup of tea and then straight to bed. I noticed how I overlooked my needs.

I noticed. I noticed how in this moment I was stuck in the cultural and social conditioning that I have to do it all, I’m his mother. I noticed how I was stuck in the old cultural narrative what a ‘good mother’ means; putting all my needs aside and focusing everything on my child’s needs. I noticed how tangled I’d became in the cultural message that a ‘good mother’ is always self sacrificial, that its normal to suffer and to some extent that that is where the lesson was- but for who?

I noticed how touched out I felt, regardless of how desperate I’ve been for my child to smother me in kisses and cuddles, I couldn’t take another moment of him hanging off of me, I couldn’t take another moment of hearing the screeching of ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’. I couldn’t take the crash or bang of another toy hitting the hardwood floor. Noticing how I judged myself for when I told my son to just cut it out.  I noticed all of this. I somehow made space for it to come up and take me down.

I was noticing all the ‘should’s’ on what a ‘good mother’ is and how it was getting in my way. All the things I’ve heard, seen and read since I’ve been around on this earth and how it was showing up and making me feel so small and judged.

And then I spoke up.

My partner had planned for us to go away, get some air away from the city and that’s where I found my courage, my voice. I told him that I wasn’t sure if I could manage going away and doing the same old tiring routine there that I was doing here at home. I spoke up and said I don’t have the capacity right now to care for anyone else but myself and that I’ve been tipped over the edge. An act of love and kindness (for me and my family), my partner said he’ll take the kiddo with him to give me space to be and rest. I jumped at the opportunity but don’t get me wrong, I wrestled with the thought of my son being away from me and what he would think of mummy not going away with him.

I pushed it all aside and put my needs first. I couldn’t show up in mothering and caring for him. I was coming from a depleted place, a place or frustration and anger. I had to meet myself where I was and hoped that I was modelling that for my son too. I put aside my urge to maternal gate keep: no lists on what, when and how to do it, no schedules, no meal plans and definitely no packed pre cooked meals. In that moment I had to separate myself from him and them and just focus on what I needed: to just be and slowly come back home to myself.

During my training as a Motherhood Studies practitioner, I thought a lot about what it would look like for me to start pushing back on the cultural and social expectations and rules of motherhood and during this COVID crisis I saw it. I found my voice to say that I can’t do it all, I shouldn’t have to do it all alone. I can’t handle this and I need a break. That I deserve a break and that time away from mothering is just as important.

This was me pushing back. I noticed. I noticed myself. I noticed my needs.

Would you like to get curious about your relationship with rest? Get your FREE 7 day Rest and Rise email course claim your right to rest and make more space for yourself.

Stay gentle with yourself.