It’s OK to Shift And Change

I was fairly lucky that when I was struck down with COVID, I got it fairly lightly and I’d like to think that since catching it I’ve made a full recovery. That said, the experience of having had COVID has marked me and I still look back on that moment with a lot of discomfort.

There’s been a lot said on the physical symptom of the illness but I feel that not enough has been said about the emotionally and psychologically impression it leaves.

Thinking about it, there haven’t been many illnesses where we’ve been forced to self-isolate, OK there’s chickenpox. My partner was the first to get it so we did the self-isolate and mask wearing at home. But during this time, I found myself less compassionate and caring and instead found myself clutching to the fear of catching it. The separate living and the mad cleaning that followed anytime my partner exited his bedroom had got to my head, but the fear was real for me as it was for many people. You see, I remember other times when I was sick and I’d just hang out in the living room with family, with a blanket as I fell in and out of sleep. There was a comfort involved in recovering this way, being seen and being part of the collective energy, but how different and lonely it was with COVID. To be cut off and be isolated, and how that greatly impacted our healing- emotionally and psychologically.

The other part of the illness that broke me was the embargo put on support, I’m talking about the support that IS available and WANTS to come in and help but is forced to step back. This piece is connected to the universal philosophy on what you do when you get COVID, on a household level and in community. We begin to question ‘what am I going to do and to what extent if I get COVID’ and then holding the frustration, anger and sadness that follow when you’re having such a hard time with it.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that illness, especially COVID, can push us to feel and think all sorts. At one time we might have strongly believed in doing things one way and then we find ourselves doing the complete opposite. Perhaps we can try and go as gentle as we need, whilst naming how VERY hard the circumstances of remote homeworking whilst being sick and managing everything else around us really is, perhaps we can try and feel into the tension of these opposites? We can only try and do what works best for us, but sometimes we don’t even know what that is until we arrive in the thick of it all. It OK to change your mind on how you want to move through a challenge when you are deep within it. It reminds me a lot about the notions I held so tightly to when becoming a parent and how that very quickly changed when I was finally living and breathing it all.

We are mothering/parenting in unprecedented times, perhaps how we thought how we’d show up isn’t exactly working out.  And perhaps how we thought we wanted to show up was partial to what we had read and heard. But perhaps we don’t really know at all until we arrive there and its OK to just do what is best for you in that time and moment. To give ourselves permission to shift and change, to have a change of opinion and just meet ourselves where we are.

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Stay gentle with yourself.