The Initiation

In my search to make sense of my postpartum experience and trying to come to terms with the shock of how hard I found it all, I came across the analogy that becoming a mother is a form of initiation a ‘rite of passage’. Marchiano perfectly describes it as “motherhood is the ultimate confrontation with yourself”.

Initiations always involves an ordeal that tests us, cracks us open and then shows us the path. I ask myself what initiations have I experienced? There are two that stand out for me. The first is when I left my parents home to move in with my partner and the second when I became a Mother. With both of these huge transitional moments, I was telling myself the same story, a truth that I had not wanted to face. Motherhood has certainly trumped all possible ordeals I’ve ever faced. The cracking open has pulled me apart, I’d shattered into a million pieces,  With this shattering came the feeling of pain, confusion, loneliness, awkwardness, discomfort, disconnection, shame anger, fear and more gunk.

As I write, I am 31 months into my journey of motherhood, I can feel a transformation happening deep within me. The feelings come and go, sometimes they intensify and sometimes they simmer down, but always evolving. This initiation into motherhood has made me visit the depths of me, the darker parts of me. I’ve come face to face with my shadows, who have taken me by the shoulders and shock me until I thoughts my brains were going to fall out. I’ve never really understood when I heard “our children are our greatest teachers”, until now. The lessons might not be coming straight from my son but his arrival is opening me up to a world I’ve never known, experienced or lived. So I close my eyes, I trust and I surrender- motherhood, where will it take me?

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Stay gentle with yourself.